Hunt Sports Group, majority owners of the Columbus Crew announced today that due to sharp decline in attendance over the last several seasons, the organization will be making major renovations to Columbus Crew stadium in the coming weeks.
One such change is to completely eliminate the upper deck. The team hopes to remove upwards of 4000 empty seats. “Let’s face it, no one sits up there anyway,” said team attorney Dan Fielding. “We’re also going to be removing the south end stands and replacing them with a second stage. We feel that while it may be inconvenient for our road visitors, and may be viewed as an eyesore to our many, many fans – it would provide the ownership group the chance to finally host Rascal Flatts AND Rock on the Range at the same time.”
Also expected to change will be the promotions that the team offers throughout the season. Long gone are buck-a-brat nights and mini schedule giveaways. Instead they will be replaced with Ohio Health Free Colonoscopy and Seat Cushion night. “A lot of Columbus sports fans really seem to have a stick up their rear end when it comes to the Crew, so we just want to help them remove it.”
July 24 will be the first annual “Toronto FC Fan” promotion, in which fans are encouraged to be extremely obnoxious, pretend that they’re Canadians, who are pretending to be English and to be as destructive as possible. “We figured by offering this night, it would actually help lower the cost of demolition of the south end and the upper deck.” Also announced with this promotion, the first 300 fans arrested will have their bail reduced by 25%. “It’s all really just about us giving back to our fans,” Fielding said.
“Also, due to the recent growth in 3-D movies and the revenue they generate, we are pleased to be offering our games in 3-D as well. Each fan through the gate will receive a pair of Black and Gold 3-D glasses that is sure to enhance their game day experience.”
The team is also expected to announce that they have sold the naming rights to Columbus Crew Stadium to The Ohio State University. The stadium is rumored to be renamed to “The Jesse Owens Jack Nichlaus Woody Hayes Archie Griffin We Play Sports Here Funzone”.
Local attorney Kevin Kurgis could not be reached for comment.
Joshua D. Rollins is the sports correspondent for Columbus Underground and the editor of Ohio Sports Journal. He likes Jeni’s Ice Cream and Dirty Franks Hot Dogs, and is always willing to accept a free meal.
